I’m More Dude Than Most Dudes You Know

 

A good friend (yes Dink you are) recently said to me:

Wendy you are more dude than most dudes I know

I can’t stop thinking about it, and let me just say without reservation it is quite possibly the BEST Compliment I have ever gotten. I have been waiting almost a lifetime to hear such praise from my fellow human. I am sorry it took so long, but thankful it was someone I respect so much for being all over awesome that it was indeed a compliment I know was said with merit and not just a pick up line.

I would love to pin point exactly what this cool fellow meant when he said that great line to me, I doubt I could because I do not see me through his eyes. But I think all girls should try to be a little more dude like, you know, for the good of female kind and all that.  So I have compiled a list of things that make me “more dude than most dudes you know” just to help out those ladies in the audience who have forgotten why guys are cool and why we are often so unbelievably lame (trust me, we are).

It is with all due respect to myself I compile this list, let me stress that I am indeed also very female and some might even call me attractive (some, not all; I am nothing if not humble), IMG_1057cmbut I guess when I call you up out of the blue and ask for help trouble shooting my truck’s “death wobble” I get a few props for being just a little well hung (figuratively speaking).

  1. I named my dog Rutger, after the actor (as most men guess) not the university (like most women assume).rutgerbw
  2. I know what a Chiltons Manual is and how to use it. Yes, I was disturbed when my husband said “What’s that?”.
  3. My “purse” is smaller than most men’s wallets. I consider most women’s purses to be carry on luggage. Below is my “big” purse.IMG_1017m
  4. I only own one pair of jeans. I do not have a fancy pair, a fat pair, a skinny pair, a dark pair, or a pair with a strategic hole. I have 1 pair. Period.
  5. I only have 1 piercing (in my ear, don’t be gross). My husband has 4. Enough said.
  6. I own big dogs. None of my dogs would fit in a purse or can be hand carried anywhere. Anything with 4 legs was meant to walk, trust me.OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
  7. I own a gun and before children I used to keep it under the bed; then I would practice and execute perfect commando rolls to retrieve it.
  8. I smell my clothes to determine their cleanliness.
  9. I might be able to build a pipe bomb. I admit nothing, deny everything.
  10. It takes my husband longer to get ready for a date than me. He’s bald, what is he doing in there?IMG_2460
  11. I love science and engineering and learning how things work.
  12. My “makeup kit” consists of sunscreen, Chapstick, and eyeliner.

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My point in all this, besides being grateful that someone finally sees how supertastic I am, is to remind women that most of what we do as women is a waste of time. No seriously. Our culture, society, media, or whatever you want to call it has us convinced that we need to be a certain way, look a certain way, and have a certain level of maintenance attached to us because we are women. That men will never want us if we don’t look like super models or we don’t carry a bag of all the items necessary to keep us “put together” for the day.

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Women have become a joke; high maintenance creatures that spend countless hours of our lives on fruitless pursuits that mean very little in the grand scheme of the world and even our own lives. We put on our masks (makeup) and decorate ourselves (manicures) in a way that make most men roll their eyes with anything BUT admiration. We have lost the respect of the very partners we hope to win. We have stopped using our brains for anything more than how to apply a great eyeliner or when is the right time to do a pore minimizing mask. We have stopped using our bodies for anything more than bait. We are helpless when it comes to getting things done and we worry about our hair, clothes, and shoes when life presents a real problem for us to solve. Really, everyone should know how to change a tire, more importantly though, women should be able to do it without being worried about how we look while doing it.

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Don’t get me wrong, ladies, I love ya, I really do. I just could never be you. I’d rather my husband look at me adoringly because I fixed his death wobble or trained his dog to shake, than because my hair looks perfect and my ass looks good in those pants. I prefer his look of adoration when I flip the giant tractor tire because he is admiring my ability, my strength, my resolve, more than the amazing legs I’ll attain by flipping it a bunch of times. I love that when something goes wrong with the TV or he needs his Xbox hooked up he calls me over to troubleshoot and seems genuinely proud that I can make his worries go away. Sure his eyes may gloss over when I explain how buffering works and why Netflix works better on my iPhone than our Blu-ray player, but I know deep inside he is grateful that one of us knows why and can solve the problem so we can watch more episodes of Breaking Bad.DSC_0058

I spent a few years in my younger days obsessed with looking perfect. I spent money on clothes and makeup and shoes ( I won’t lie I still like shoes I just don’t buy them anymore), and what I learned from that was happiness didn’t come from standing on the sidelines looking good, it came from jumping in the fray and getting dirty, sweating my ass off, snorting when I laugh, and taking risks. 020_20

All things dudes do. I discovered that the time I spent in front of the mirror was better spent under a car or digging a fire pit. DSC_0156I learned how to truly get shit done and have fun while doing it. I will never be the girl pushing her boobs together and bending over in front of a cop to get out of  a ticket. I hope I am always the girl the cop secretly wishes was his wife because I am such a kick ass driver he feels a little guilty for pulling me over.KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

I take pride in my ability to be gentle and kind, feminine and strong. I am thankful that genetics have given me a fair deal and that I cry probably more than I should and that I will always, always think with my heart first. But I take far more pride in being “like a dude” because when someone says that, what they really mean is I am smart, capable, fun, interesting, low maintenance, and easy to get a long with. I can’t imagine a greater compliment than that. Sure you can tell me I’m pretty, but that doesn’t hold a candle to calling me “Dude”.IMG_2809

So women, I implore you, stand up, heed the call. Rise to the occasion of your own potential and life. Stop the hair twirling and pouty expressions. Stop the selfie post with duck lips and instead gloat about your accomplishments in life. Start living. Because as far as I know, you only get the one life. So you can choose to spend it on maintenance and upkeep (things that get harder and more time consuming as we age with little to no actual return on the investment), or you could spend it laughing and scraping dirt out from underneath your broken finger nails making friends who may not remember that you once looked hot at that dinner party, but instead will remember how fun and thrilling you were climbing up that rock face. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERATrust me, it is way better. So get out there dudes, put the lipstick down, take those high heels off (they are only giving you a bad back and deformed feet anyway).

Live, learn, experience, risk, create.

Make being a girl something I would consider as high a compliment as being more dude than most dudes you know.

PS. You can still look good doing it :)

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What I am reading: Reached by Ally Condie it is the third book in a trilogy of YA dystopian novels. I am strangely addicted to the dystopian novels at the moment. BTW I need iBooks money, this 3 books a week thing is killing my wallet.

What I am listening to: House of Gold by 21 Pilots

What else I am listening to: Compass Lady Antebellum my heart has never led me astray.

Inspirations from the ether: We take so much for granted here.

Now moment: Nothing beats Christmas Morning with two little kids. Magic is real.

 

5 Ways Facebook is just like High School- For WOMEN

Seems like I’m reading a lot of studies and articles on the dangers and pitfalls of using social media and Facebook in particular. The studies sight everything from envy of other people’s posts to anguish over seeing an ex tagged in a photo, as being the reasons we all feel terrible after looking at our newsfeeds. Maybe this is why there are so many sarcastic “cards” and images floating out there as well- it breaks up all the behind your back bitching and bends it on its ear to in front of your face bitching, done with a smile and a wink so CLEARLY I wasn’t talking about you- oh so subtly not mentioned in the subtext.

I recently made the decision to limit my own Facebook time to see if it would affect me. One could argue I just took up another platform of social media by starting a blog, but I argue its different because I don’t have to hear about your trips to Europe or see your sprawling mansion but instead I get to indulge in one of my special happy places, writing. I removed the Facebook app from my phone thereby forcing me to go to extra steps to compulsively peruse the lives of others and I found that while I was willing and able of going through those steps my use did significantly decrease- and *gasp* I did in fact manage to live happily not knowing what someone else had for lunch. Interestingly enough, I also discovered that my absence seemed to bother others more than it bothered me and in some weird way- that only women can manage- I actually made enemies of some friends simply because I made a conscious choice to alter my life and pretty much everything in it. Who knew not hitting a like button compulsively like a lab rat could create such imaginary drama? Not this girl. So that was when I realized that Facebook is the new High school.

40 is the new 30 (thank god), Orange is the new black (I really must watch this show) and Facebook is the new High School. Here are the top 5 reasons that Facebook is just like high school:

1. Now you actually get to re-know the people you did know when you actually were in high school. So, not much has changed only now you only have to worry about how your hair looks in pictures and not for 7 whole periods. Being “friends” with people you knew in high school  really only has two purposes, one you missed them and wanted to rekindle some of that old high school juju, or two, you just wanted to stalk around with their permission and laugh at them in private because they got fat, still have a mullet, or married an ugly woman. I’ll be honest with you, and please don’t all my friends from high school get up in arms about this or you’ll just be proving my point, there is a reason people drift apart and don’t reconnect, and that reason is their friendship was based on nothing more than the common school or friends they shared. We are supposed to let go of the majority of these people. That is not to say they don’t have anything to offer to you now, it is just to say that just like the good old days IN high school, Facebook puts a bunch of people together that call themselves friends that ordinarily wouldn’t bother. I’m telling you, don’t believe me? Look at your friends list. How many are high school chums you don’t speak to, see or even have visible on your newsfeed? Yep, just like the halls of high school and as the bell rings we all post our best face on FB hoping someone will finely decide to like us or will feel badly that they don’t.

2. It doesn’t matter what you post, when you post it or why you posted it, invariably someone, somehow, for who knows what reason will decide that not only was your post about them, but it was the worst most hurtful betrayal of all time and they will cut you off, cut you out, or become passive aggressive toward you for no reason. (I imagine this blog post is going to do that too) Hm.. if that doesn’t sound like high school then maybe you didn’t go. I swear I could write a post about my son’s poop and there would be someone on my feed who’d get all up in arms that I was really insulting her on the down low and disguising it as a post about poop but it was REALLY a post about her new hair cut. Trust me it happens all the time, everyday on Facebook. And yes, it is only women who do this. Sorry ladies but I’ve never had a male friend stop talking to me because of a sound bite I post related to me lifting weights at the gym.

3. The popular kids are never going to think you are cool. It doesn’t matter how many photos you post of yourself doing cool things in exotic locations or how fabulous your life appears to be. Unless your last name is Kardashian, or you actually are the worlds most interesting man (after all it has never been his bad), I promise you those kids who dissed you in high school are now dissing you on Facebook. Please stop trying to make them like you. It is a waste of time and effort and odds are if you just lived a genuine life filled with activities and people who really care about you, you’ll be a lot  happier than you ever would have been if the popular people did in fact like you. So do yourself a favor and tell your 16 year old self its ok to have bad hair or be seen without makeup. Tell her she has value and move on. Its just embarrassing for those of us who are your real friends to watch the desperation happening.

4. You will invariably feel worse after logging in to Facebook than you ever felt before you bothered, just like going to high school. Somehow the hours outside of high school were always more enjoyable than the hours inside it. Inside you have to put up with an onslaught of images and words being thrown at you and many of them aren’t very nice. They make you feel like less or make you wish you were more, just like Facebook.. Even if you don’t think it is affecting you, trust me it is. Even just a really cool video my husband shows me of someone doing parcore (sp?)will ding me just a little bit (yes the little fat kid inside me still wants to be cool) because I will never be able to do that and it is so freaking cool. Or the dog video of the border collie doing a zillion amazing tricks making me feel like I’ve let my passion die or at least lost it somewhere because if I was a really cool person I could totally teach my dog how to do those things, after all I used to get paid to do that!. It may not be as obvious as, I wish my body looked like that or I wish I lived there, but it is still happening. It is the human condition to want to experience everything in life (or maybe that’s just me and the hubs) so seeing that others are experiencing something while I sit on my couch eating ice cream just thankful my kids were in bed before 9, makes my life seem dull by comparison. Of course I always forget that lots of people would kill to have a cool husband they actually still love and beautiful little boys like mine-that’s right eat your heart out suckas!

5. This one is probably the most significant one, and again, sorry ladies this is only you. Men really are the better sex- I’m sure I’ll regret ever saying those words. Facebook Is just like high school because you spend most of your time on it trying to unravel why someone is mad at you by becoming some kind of technical forensics sleuth and dissecting the entire history of Facebook. Hm… lets see, lets go back and find the last post she commented on, then lets see if I wrote a post that she might have thought was about her, hm, then lets see if one of our mutual friends wrote something she might have seen and decided was about her but that I somehow was involved even though I was changing a poopy diaper when that was posted. Wait, no here is a post from Tuesday that was posted right after I tried to call her . Wait was that the day I tried to call her? Was I mean in my message? Crap I wish I could hear the message again in case I accidentally had a mental break and instead of saying I miss you lets talk, I really said you fucking suck because you never call me. Wait when did she stop “Talking ” to me. Let me just check my timeline. But seriously my husband has never turned to me after looking at Facebook and said, you won’t believe this but so and so is totally mad at me and I have no idea why.

 

I suppose I could just delete my Facebook account, but I do think it has it’s uses. I have reconnected with old friends and found true soul mates of life on there. I have discovered things about people that make me love them so much it hurts. I have been graced with a collection of core FB friends that bolster me up when I am feeling blue, and not because I post some weird cryptic email about feeling unloved (pretty sure at least 5 people I know will think this is about them), because I don’t do that- Seriously, am I the only one who hears Carly Simon singing? I am terrible at keeping in contact with people just terrible, so Facebook has allowed me the opportunity to remain close to those that matter without having to become a different person to manage it. I am thankful family can see my boys grow up there and that I can see that others are just as lost as me. No, I think I’m on Facebook to stay, but that being said, I now plan to treat it just like I did high school.

Sometimes I’m there, sometimes I’m not. I do not derive my self-worth from anything that happens there. I do not judge my “friends” for what happens there. I do not stay friends with them just to make fun of them behind their backs. I do not assume any post is about me unless my name is actually called out in the post.  At the end of the day, I didn’t like high school the first time, there is no way I want to repeat it and certainly not by choice. I’m not sure why anyone would. I wish everyone on Facebook would do the same; but since it is just like high school it will likely remain largely what it is. A fake environment we all flock too hoping someone will like us and never understanding why they don’t as our insecurities rise as we base our value on how many likes we get.

PS. Um… Could you please like this blog on Facebook? Thanks, I would feel really cool and super special if you did. Better yet, share the post so others will like me, thereby increasing my total self-worth like a hundred fold! PLEEAASSEE!!!! Share and like :) -Tongue firmly planted in cheek, but in all seriousness, if you like it share it, no pressure.

And or those of you too young to get the Carly Simon reference….Yes, “you probably think this post is about you”