Sometimes it takes a good friend coming all the way from Florida to fix what’s broken. Or more exact sometimes it takes someone just spending time and holding up a mirror for you to see the beauty right before your eyes.
I think I’ve always been really honest here, about my feelings and my life so that I can make a better life or maybe let others know they aren’t alone. I have always said I know my life is good. I have many things I have always wanted and my present looks much like I used to envision my future to be. I can’t complain and I think for the most part I don’t. But I am honest that something seems broken and life is harder day to day than it should be. And recently I have felt like I am detached and just plodding along doing the bare minimum to keep a family going.
But then Candace showed up. She was only here for two nights and three days; and according to my husband, he hasn’t heard me talk that much in the 7 years he has known me, I think he called me a school girl. But when Candace and I are together its like catching up on lost time with a sister. It is like there aren’t enough hours in the day to say what you haven’t said or to hear what you have been wanting to know. I don’t know why we don’t use the phone more, but nothing can replace the face to face.
I can’t really explain my bond to Candace and to relay our history would be to ignore her privacy so I won’t, but I will say the few days she spent here was like the nicest slap in the face. Because I haven’t really been appreciating what I have, I haven’t really been soaking up all the details. So watching Candace chase my boys and tickle them silly, or monitoring bath time and laughing like a goon at the mundane ordinary moments of my life it showed me that the things I take for granted, might just be the things I should appreciate the most.
While she was here I played a game with my son at least twice, I can’t remember doing that before. I drank a glass of wine while watching her make dinner, I haven’t done that since before babies. I remembered what it meant to just stop and love on a dog, just because.
Sure she asked me about my problems and we analyzed the details the way problem solvers do. I picked apart her worries and she picked apart mine. We didn’t really come to any great solutions or epiphanies, and I don’t think we needed to. It was less having her support and thoughtful ear, and more just having her. She was supportive, fun, silly, respectful, and adoring of my lot (four and two legged alike). All of it was great, and it got me thinking, all of it IS great.
Candace aside; of course I wish I could convince her to leave sunny Florida for the Colorado plains (ha! As if)but it isn’t Candace that makes life great, life just is great. It just took Candace hauling her cookies all this way to show me. To hold the mirror of my life up to my face and say “See? See all that wonderment?”
I’ve been sort of waiting and observing, sitting on the side for my moment to step back in and join this life. I can’t explain why I haven’t or why I wasn’t motivated enough to just do it. I can blame three illnesses in a row, or even a prolonged mystery illness as yet discovered, but at the end of the day none of it should have prevented me from tickling my boys till they couldn’t laugh any harder, or loving on my dogs more often, or occasionally enjoying a nice glass of wine.
I’m ready to step back in. It maybe baby steps at first, but I am ready to get this thing right. I have almost half a year left of this experiment online, and I think it is high time I use it wisely.
What I am listening to: What a difference a day makes by Tim Meyers
Now moment: My son offering his panda bear to Candace so she would have something of him to take home with her. There are no words for the shy way he brought it to her and offered it up like a gift to the gods. So selfless and thoughtful. Amazing! I thought he would be sad and regret it later, I almost didn’t let Candace take it home, but now he gets excited when she send him new pictures of what his panda is doing in sunny Florida without him. His face lights up everytime.
What I am reading: Nothing. Which is rare and random for me but somehow my mind has not been in the space for higher thinking which reading always leads to.
The things I am grateful for
Lasik- In a word AMAZING
Almost potty trained two year old
A nice bottle of red
A friend who appreciates roasted garlic
Ridiculous tumble weeds covering the road and making me feel like a cowboy moving a herd of weeds home
The phrase “Throwing people is not berry nice” shouted at full volume in a cartoon snowman’s defense (see Frozen); little boys are so sweet
Requests for “big hugs”
Long texts conversations with people who live too close not to see more often (yes, I am talking about you Dink)
A good game of Scrabble
65 degree days followed by snow
A friend who is doing by far a better job of the 365 gratitude than I am, but has kept me at least slightly honest (I love you Brit)
Orphan Black, so stinking good, Thank you Kerri
Having someone “get” me
Good blood work for little men
Gluten free varieties