It’s Over, We Are Breaking Up

Relationships can be great, they can fill you with immense joy and make you feel special. But they can also have a darker side. They can inhibit your life, make you feel tired and less than your best. We have all faced these moments of reality when we realize we have outgrown a relationship or our relationship is actually hurting us. It isn’t a good place to be, the task before you not one you want to do. No one likes to be the bad guy, even if it isn’t your fault, pulling the trigger on a breakup can be hard. I’ve put it off for a long time now. I’ve been deeply seated in denial, looking the other way at all the negatives. But I can’t do that any longer. It’s time for this negative relationship to end. And while I will miss the connection and the fuzzy feelings I used to get, I know in my heart I will be happier, healthier and better prepared to face my life if I just get brave and say good-bye. It isn’t going to be easy, we’ve been together a long time, and there are others to think about, but I know in my heart it is time, it is right. I talk a lot about intentional living and making the choices for your own happiness. This is mine, my choice. So here goes. Let’s start with the ULTIMATE Break up song, just to set the tone.

Here is my goodbye letter, my dear John if you will, the real truth behind a relationship that no one saw behind closed doors.

My Love,

We need to talk. You should probably sit down. This isn’t going to be easy for either of us.  I have had so many wonderful nights with you that make what I am about to say so difficult. Every time we curled up together the world was so right, nothing mattered but us. I felt like I could conquer anything with you beside me. I felt like if I just held you close the rest of the world would drop away and all my troubles with it. I remember pulling you close, little by little relishing in your smell, your taste. I get chills just thinking about our time together. And that is why you have to believe me when I say, it isn’t you, it’s me.

I know, I know, who hasn’t heard this a million times before. Someone tells us it is all them, just to spare us our feelings. But today, at this moment in time, I know it is me and not you. I know I am not ready for the kind of relationship you want. I am not ready to settle down and remain still the way you would like. I am not ready for the public embarrassment or the hiding the private life we have together. Maybe I’m just to “out there”, maybe I just don’t understand commitment. Maybe I just don’t like how bad I feel the next morning after a night alone with you. Being with you, makes me feel bad.

It isn’t your fault, no really. You are exactly what you were supposed to be. Beautiful , enticing, exquisitely tasteful, smooth, decadent, luscious even. I don’t think I have ever had better. Really. I don’t just say that to cushion the blow. You are it. You are the top, crème of the crop. There is nothing out there that can compare to you. Listen to me when I say this, I am not leaving you for another, there is no other, I get that now. But I still can’t be with you. I still can’t give in to all those urges no matter how much I want to or how much my heart begs me.

I know you will find someone else. Being as awesome as you, you will pick up and move on, probably not even feeling the loss of me. That is what it feels like to be at the top I guess. I will move on too. I will struggle at first no doubt. I will feel let down every night when you are not there. I will feel empty and alone, forgotten and abandoned. I will look for you hopefully, maybe even stop into a store just to see if you are there; but I will not weaken, I will stick it out, because what is right for me, what is best for me, is to say goodbye to you. No matter how much I love you, no matter how sweet you have been. no matter how much I am wholly convinced you are my soul mate and I will never meet another like you, I also know I just can’t live this lie anymore.

Go forth dear one, go forth and prosper. Make a name for yourself, find a new love, someone new to coerce, to brainwash into not seeing our dark side, your negative attributes, because that is no longer me. I plan to go forth, fill that void with something healthy, fill that void with something that makes me feel and look good. That’s right, I am predicting the future. I think I owe it to myself, I owe it to my family. I will get stronger. I will leave you behind and one day I will rejoice in the fact that I no longer even think about you. I will no longer say your name in my sleep, I will no longer see you in my head when I feel stressed. I will no longer long for you at night, our secret time. Just you wait, I bet you won’t even recognize the woman I am about to become, without, YOU.

So my very Dearest Ben and my true companion Jerry, just know that this isn’t about you, not really. You are the tits at making ice cream. I will never forget how Chocolate Fudge Brownie made me feel in my soul. But I would like to forget how it made me look around the middle. It isn’t personal, except for me. If I am going to reach my goal and feel good, we just have to part ways. There isn’t room for a nightly binge of a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in the life I am creating. There is no room for your worthless wasted 1500 calories I consume during our tryst because as we all know, a pint in a serving size, no matter what the carton says.

I’ll miss you B&J, I will. But I can’t take this anymore. It’s over. I’m done.

Love with all my heart,



PS I hope you find what you are looking for Chocolate Fudge Brownie, I know I will.

But here is Inspiration, just in case I get weak. Surviving break up songs.

How to Blow Your Nose in a Public Steam Room and Other Riculously Useful Life Tips No One is Talking About….

There are hundreds, literally thousands of how to sites, blog, articles, and books that tell you how to do everything from baking a pie to changing a car battery. This is not one of those sites, this is not one of those articles. These are real tips for real problems many of us have but no one is talking about. Enjoy!

How to blow your nose in a public steam room

Blowing your nose is usually no big deal, an event that you do for the most part without thinking about it. However, in the quiet echo atmosphere of a steam room surrounded by half naked people without a tissue in sight,  it can be difficult and socially awkward to execute. Well, no more! Not for you. First things first. Always take a small towel into the steam room with you. It is not acceptable to blow your nose into your hand or any article of clothing or towel you are wearing. If it covers any part of your body that your swimsuit covers, don’t you dare blow your nose on it. Second, you cannot blow your nose when the steam is not actively running. If you don’t hear steam or an air compressor, but instead you hear your own breathing and that other lady’s stomach, you should not blow your nose. Period. Third, you must wait until the room is filled with steam and no one can see you. I mean filled with steam like “someone can come in and sit on you and not know it filled with steam” (see: Zen and the Art of Friends, this is a friends relatable moment when Chandler accidentally sits on Monica’s Dad’s lap in the steam room). So to sum up, bring a towel- don’t bother with tissue it will be too wet to use. Wait for the steam to “kick on”. Then blow your nose once the room is full of steam. You only have a small window of opportunity here, so be sure to grab it. The seam will shut off shortly after the room reaches the right density level for blowing so don’t hesitate, be ready and blow away. No one will ever know what’s happened.

What to do if you simply must pee in the shower

We’ve all been there so you can stop balking at the title of this one. You can pretend this has never happened to you, but trust me, no one believes you, so you just look like a fool trying to deny it. So what should you do if you must pee in the shower? Well, it depends. If you are at home in the comfort of your own shower, do nothing. That’s right nothing. Who cares? I mean really. It mostly gets washed down the drain anyway and any germs in it are already yours. The only exception to this rule is for those people who multi task and brush their teeth in the shower. Always, always pick up the toothbrush and hold it high before urinating. Seriously, you do not want to wonder if urine drops got on your tooth brush, you want to KNOW they didn’t. Now, if you are at the gym, it is a whole other story. If you simply must pee in the gym communal shower, also do nothing. Wait?!? What? That is right, do nothing. First, you are not the only one to pee in that shower. You probably aren’t even the first person today to pee in that shower. It is really just best to pretend it never happened and move about your day. This being said you should wear shower shoes in the shower, because you are not the only person who pees in there. Trust me.

How to eat a pint of ice cream without leaving evidence behind

This one is easy. First you remove the lid and throw it immediately in the trash, you don’t want evidence just lying around. Do not bother leaving it on the counter in case you don’t finish the pint. Who are you kidding? We all finish the pint; there has never in the history of the world been leftover ice cream in the pint size. In truth, I’m not sure why the nutrition facts state it is 4 servings when clearly it is only 1. Second, use a small spoon. You are going to be tempted into the big spoon, but this is wrong for two reasons. One, the small spoon lets you savor the taste for longer and two, it prevents any sloppy eating which will leave tell tale signs of ice cream debauchery on your face. It isn’t worth the risk, stick to the small spoon. Not too small, you don’t want to be aggravated, but it should fit nicely in your mouth without opening wide. Next, you want to wrap the pint in a dish cloth similar to hobos and their paper bag covered bottles of liquor. This is not only great for preventing hand freeze, but it helps to absorb and limit the amount of evidence you would otherwise drip on your hand or shirt. This step is non-negotiable if you are hoping to finish off the pint without trace evidence being left behind. Especially if you are a slow eater or your pint has a secret hole in the bottom you won’t know about until the ice cream gets soft and starts to drip. When the ice cream is gone you need to rinse the spoon in the sink, if you have a dishwasher stick it in there. Throw away the container and if you really want to cover your tracks immediately vacuum so you can empty the vacuum bin on top of the container. No one is sifting through or looking underneath vacuum trash to uncover your secret now. Last, put your towel in the dirty laundry bin. If your house is anything like mine, no one even touches that but me, so even if it is covered in evidence no one is going to see it.

Stay tuned for more useful life tips no one is talking about. Share the site with a friend you think might need them. Thanks.

Bonus tip: How to share ice cream fairly