Checking in. Checking in can mean so much more than what the common usage implies. I’ve been what some may call checked out; checked out of life more or less for lack of a better way of putting it. Sure, I get up each morning and I eat breakfast, take care of my boys, the dogs, and work, but I am just going through the motions; step one, step two, step three and so on, putting one foot in front of the other so to speak. I have been finding it difficult to truly check in, to truly engage in what is happening around me. I’m here, but I’m not here, I’m participating but I am not a participant. I’m not sure the ruse is fooling anyone, but I keep thinking if I fake it long enough that maybe I will make it, back to being checked in that is.
I got sick in December, then again in January, and while I am not a fan of making excuses or blaming circumstances, I can’t seem to pinpoint what else has me in this slump. I’m not saying being sick did it, what I am saying is it is the only I can identify that might do this. I’m just not interested, in anything. When I try to figure out what the problem is I am lost, or if I consider what might motivate me to check back in I am also lost. So maybe the problem is feeling lost.
Whatever the reason, I must check back in. I don’t want to miss this life, or these moments just phoning it in. I want to wallow in and wiggle around in the moments that make life, good or bad. So that is the trick I guess, figuring out how to check back in when it feels so damn cozy and numb remaining checked out.
If I am to stay true to my manifesto of intentional living then I must intentionally sign back up and stop the negative self-talk that binds me. If I am to truly make the choices necessary to live happily, then I need to stop worrying about how I got this way, how I am going to reverse it, but instead focus on this moment, right now, just checking in for the moment.
This feels safe; I only have to do it for a moment. Just one moment, check-in check-out, or as my son would say easy peasy lemon squeezy. I don’t need to commit to tomorrow or next week, I don’t need to piece together the puzzle of yesterday, all I really have to do is one little moment. One step, two step, three step.
So this is my step for today, my checking in, if only for a moment. I committed to this blog in July, I committed to making this blog the place where I find the better way of living. The place where I share this journey with others so that maybe they can find their best life. We all have set backs, moments where our best selves did not show up at the party. Maybe by writing this you will realize you are not alone, I am not alone. Checking out is possibly more common place than any one of us thought; especially, when we are checked out and isolated.
Special thanks to those that checked in on me, to those who gave up moments of their life to check on mine. I hope you know how wonderful you are and how much I appreciate your attention.
What I’m reading: Big Girl Panties by Stephanie Evanovich
What I’m watching: Girls, that Lena Dunham is truly inspiring.
What I’m listening to: Story of My Life, Embarrassed this is by One Direction, so good despite the boy band association.
Now moment: The two and four year old having an in depth conversation like adults about their grandma. It was almost enough to make me cry
365 grateful: I am way behind on my grateful days, simply behind. Ironically, had I been doing it like I planned maybe I wouldn’t have checked out for so long. So here is the breakdown as best I can remember.
Things I am grateful for:
My husband’s smile
Breath right strips
My Veronica Mars co-pilot and all around show watching friend, yes, another shout out to you Kerri
Cadbury Egg season
Daiquiris by the yard
A full night’s sleep
Remembering and honoring a special mentor and friend, Rob Grogan. I will miss you always, thank you for giving me the stones to write and supporting me in loss. You are truly irreplaceable. The world lost a valuable soul. Rest in Peace, and thank you for everything. Now you’ll get the best seats in the house for all those Yankee games.
My iPhone for allowing me continued access to an email account Microsoft foolishly locked for 30 days
Miss Cady at Gymboree for being my boy’s first real crush, if they continue with that caliber they will be alright
A job offer, even if I did turn it down
Clean biopsy results
Baggy jeans that no longer fit
Monster Energy drinks
On demand TV
Little boy hugs
Emails that are better late than never when it comes to reconnecting