I say all the time that you can’t go back. There is no good living in the past and wondering what if or wishing things were still the same. Frankly, in my life, I am glad I do not live back there in those moments. Sure I had some great one, but overall I am glad to be in this moment, with this man and this family. So I don’t struggle much with looking back and wondering what if. This past week however I have been hit with strange emotion evoking things from my past, and what I learned was sometimes you need to get that “good old days feeling” when you are facing a crossroads in life.
Sometimes that feeling of invincibility or strength we all seem to have in our 20s might just be useful in our later years if we could only figure out how to harness its power. If I could go back in time, if I had a DeLorean and 1.21 gigawatts of power, I wouldn’t go back to change anything, I would go back to harness and capture the energy and belief in everything being possible that only a 22 year old Wendy could feel. Okay, maybe 17-25 maybe those years held the strongest belief in myself and life. Those years I welcomed the crossroads, even created many, because I truly believed with enough motivation and strength I could do anything.
Of course I’ve learned that’s all a giant lie. No offense to you still living in wonderland thinking it can all come true (I hope it does for you), but not everything is possible. I made a lot come true in my life. I’ve had a lot of goals and I’ve made many of them happen. I’m not saying things aren’t possible, I’m just saying not all things are possible. In the end though, what I want to get from that me from yesterday is not her flawed but delightful thinking, it is her “can do” spirit and the ability for just the right movie to make me think, yep, I can do this, it is all going to be alright. The world is my oyster, so to speak. That girl could get so charged up by a movie or a song that she really did do some amazing things with the inspiration.
I am now at a new crossroads. Not one I created, but one just happening to me. I find these to be the worst kind. It isn’t like I have a plan or even wanted to make a deal with a crossroads demon so to be standing at an unexpected crossroads is daunting and exhausting. In the beginning of this I thought “Crap, not one more thing”, then I caught a glimpse of While you were sleeping on TV and I was instantly transported back to my sophomore year in college to a dingy Durango theater all alone. It wasn’t the movie so much as just that moment in my life. I can remember my thoughts and feelings as I watched the movie. My life is just beginning, I can do anything. Maybe I felt this way because the lead character in the film did not, I’m not sure. So while my life is no longer just beginning I felt that same sense of inspiration when I saw the movie again. Like my brain knew I needed to draw upon the Wendy of yore and use her emotions as a catalyst to get past the crossroads and on my way in life. I am both grateful and envious of Wendy watching this movie for the first time, 20 years old, not knowing what lay ahead and not being afraid either. She was pretty cool.
So here I am at my crossroads. Now I am thinking, is this the opportunity to make more money, find a job a love, commit to old projects? Perhaps. I don’t know. I haven’t figured it out yet. But what I do know is drawing on the power of who I used to be and allowing myself an indulgent day of “reliving’ my past through movies and music, I might just find an answer, or at least be better prepared for the bumpy road ahead. I am excited and terrified. Intrigued and exhausted. It’s funny, I really do wish I had a time machine, not because I would change anything, but just so I could get that feeling of endless possibilities anytime I wanted. I guess moves, music and food will just have to suffice until I figure out that flux capacitor and butterfly effect.
This week I am trying something new. I recommend you all do the same. When my kids go to bed, instead of zoning out in front of the tv with my husband while we both obsessively check our smart phones. We are turning it all off for at least an hour and playing cards. We are sitting close, looking into each others eyes, playing cards, laughing, talking, thinking. We just started yesterday, and I won’t lie, so far it’s awesome. Before kids and smart phones we played games all the time. Now I remember why we loved that. My goal this week is to do this everyday. I miss him.
What I am reading: Six Years by Harlan Coben, it isn’t my usual fair, but it was on sale, so score!
What I am listening to: The A Team by Ed Sheeran
Inspirations from the ether: I’m super smitten with John Green right now and I can’t believe I never stumbled across his awesomeness before. Seriously, I can’t get enough of him. Lucky for me he has a blog, a tumblr (which I still don’t really understand what that is), a youtube channel where he and his brother Hank (Hank isn’t so bad either :))exchange interesting videos read to each other but are really for everyone, and several books. I figure it isn’t really stalking if you are happily married and too tired from raising toddlers that you can’t even figure out where he gets his coffee much less his real street address. If you haven’t heard of him, you should check him out. I am more in awe everyday. Genius, entertaining, funny, smart and witty. Besides anyone who makes up a word like “dooblydoo” (and it is very fitting) is aces in my book.
Hank:I love a good rant.
Now moment of the week: Having my husband teach me how to play rummy, and more or less kicking his ass, but we weren’t keeping score because I was still learning. Poor Jay.