Dear Deodorant Manufacturers,

Merriam- Webster defines deodorant as:

a preparation that destroys or masks unpleasant odors

Dear Deodorants Manufacturers,

I would like to draw your attention to the definition of deodorant shown above. To be fair an alternate definition I found included antiperspirants, so you can include that as well, or not, your choice. The definition for deodorant simply states that a deodorant is a substance that should destroy “unpleasant odors” or at the very least mask them. I challenge you to locate any part of the definition that includes “will make you smell like something different than a normal human person.” Go ahead… I’ll wait.

Didn’t find anything that says a deodorant will make you smell like something other than a regular human? I didn’t think so. So we can agree that the above definition is for all intents and purposes correct? Good. I thought so.

Now that we agree on a definition, let me explain why I am writing to you. Your product doesn’t work, it does NOT “mask unpleasant odors” ; on the contrary, it appears as though it only creates a new and potentially worse unpleasant odor. I use deodorant because it is a socially acceptable convention in modern times in western culture that I don’t go around smelling like a woman in need of a bath or a gynecological exam. I use deodorant because I like to consider myself as unoffensive to be around and possibly even “attractive” or pleasant to be around depending on the circumstances. So you can imagine my consternation at being unable to locate a deodorant that actually does the job it is supposed to do- as per our already agreed upon definition. Rather, I can only find deodorants that simply change my personal odor, which if I do say so isn’t that bad until like day 3 sans shower, and turns it into an odd combination of my personal stank combined with the whatever flavor your facility has concocted and tested and determined is a good fit for a normal person’s armpit.

I’m sure I am not alone in my frustrating quest for a product to place in the pit of my arm that doesn’t leave me smelling like a bowl of fruit or a passel of flowers with just a slight twinge of sweat- FYI not a good combo. Apparently, however the concept appears to be a difficult one for companies to wrap their closed minds around because you all keep producing the same types of odors with the same lackluster results.

Bottom line is, if you are going to develop and manufacture a product, it should do the job that is defined in the very definition of the product shouldn’t it? I mean who would buy a car that didn’t drive? or a boat that didn’t float? Why do you keep expecting me to buy a deodorant that doesn’t actually remove or conceal unpleasant odors? Why do you keep insisting that I should want to smell like all these “other” scents? All I really want is to just smell not stinky. Is that too much to ask? All I’m really looking for is the opportunity to smell less like a woman on a week long survival hike through Death Valley and more like the boring, average, I survived a day with two toddlers, girl that I am.

Secret brand even suggests that I use my deodorant to “express myself”, I too can be “fresh and fabulous” and with scents named “va va vanilla”  and “ooh la la lavender” who’s to say they are wrong? Degree has some hilarious versions themselves. Not to be outdone by Secret they offer “Sexy Intrigue” I’m pretty sure this one smells exactly like a vagina, but they don’t come right out and say that, I’m totally paraphrasing. Listen up folks, i don’t want my deodorant to get me a date or tell my life story, I just want it to stop the stink.

The whole thing reminds me of the scene in Monsters Inc. Where Mike asks Sully if he has any “Odorant” like wet dog or smelly garbage. Its funny because the monsters WANT to smell like something other than themselves. Its funny because it is the opposite of what a human would want, which is to just NOT smell. See? That is the schtick, and if the schtick is going to work, and make an audience laugh, it is because we all agree that deodorant should make you NOT smell and odorant should make you smell.

So I put to you, dear manufacturers of deodorants, to either make a product that doesn’t smell or rename your product “ODORANT” in order to be more accurate and save us all the trouble of trying to sort out which craptastic odor we want to smell like today. The following is a list of real deodorant scents that I would prefer not to wear and/or have anyone think that this is my natural scent:

  • Baby powder or anything with powder in the title- I am not a baby and if I wanted to smell like a baby’s rump I’d go rub one on my pit before I would buy a shotty imitation. I’m not kidding, no one WANTS to smell like a baby, unless you are a baby. And they don’t need deodorant
  • Fruit salad- this one goes by lots of names in the deodorant kingdom, but sufficed to say it is all the same, they all make you smell like a day old fruit salad that someone forgot was on the picnic table and sat out for 24 hrs. One is even called “truth or Pear”. I’ll take truth, because it has to smell better than ripe freaking pear. I want to smell good, not like an industrial house cleanser
  • Musk- Look, if it came out of a ferret’s rear end I don’t want to smell like it. Or quite possibly I already do and this is why I am using your product, you know, to avoid this smell not to encourage it
  • Fresh Linen also sometimes called cotton fresh, or pretty much anything that has some descriptor of clothes or sheets in the title- Hm… what is this one anyway? Is this just the same scent Tide uses but in a stick form? Is it the smell of the cotton plant before processing? Why does anyone want to smell like clothes? I’m so confused. It does however, get the gold standard of usually being the least offensive of all the possible scents. So you go fresh linen!
  • Energy- FYI, this is not a smell, energy does not have a smell, don’t make me post the definition of energy; and this weird fruit/flower/musk combo you “think” energy smells like is not it, it just isn’t. Energy might smell like BO, I could buy into that, you burn energy and you sweat and sweat smells like BO, but I’m here to tell you, I bought the deodorant to get rid of the BO, not to accentuate it
  • Flowers- I don’t know a single solitary woman who really wants to smell like a bunch of flowers. Really? Maybe someone’s grandmother or one of the chicks from Little House on the Prairie, but I guarantee you the only reason a woman buys a floral scent is the others scents scare or confuse her. This scent also becomes tricky for women wearing perfume. Floral deodorant goes with no perfume ever in the history of either product. Do us all a favor and just stop making them, if not for the confused women who use it, then for the rest of us who have to smell the weird concoction of her perfume, deodorant, body spray, lotion, douche combo. Which I promise is never good
  • Food- I don’t want to smell like a cookie or a holiday. Vanilla? Cinnamon? Are you joking? The last thing I need to smell all day is something that reminds me I really want to be eating cookies and cupcakes. Shame on you. Just because something smells good in the real world doesn’t mean anyone wants to smell it in their moist dank armpit
  • Indescribable scents you have to smell to believe but you have to buy to smell, so good luck with that- This includes such gems as “Summer Strength” I didn’t know it was strong and I am curious what strength smells like, especially the strength of a season which lets be honest, doesn’t have the ability to have strength… so… hm…What I can tell you is my husband is strong but if he were to go about on a Summer’s day showing me his strength, the odor he would generate is not something I would want and I certainly wouldn’t want to pay for it

So, to sum up, I would like you to create a deodorant that actually does what it is supposed to do without introducing a new even more offensive scent into the mix of odorology I already have going on. I would also like you to stop insulting me with your advertising and “semantics” that imply my whole life will get better if I use your product, or that your product has the ability to change my whole outlook. (that’s right I’m looking at you “Soothing/Calming” Secret brand)

You are deodorant. I don’t need, nor do I want, you to solve my life problems or anxiety related issues. I just want you to help me smell less like a frog’s bottom. Is that too much to ask?

Sincerely Yours,

Girl who sweats, but doesn’t want anyone to know that I do. Lord forbid people find out my body works the way it was intended to.

P.S. I just found out one of the Secret versions sponsors Oprah’s Life Class!!! OMG OMG! I am so buying that one! I don’t care if it smells like the inside of a musty old Bible or Oprah’s dog’s anal glands, that is the scent for me. If Oprah allows it to give her money, then you can just stop looking elsewhere, it is clearly the deodorant winner.

P.P.S. For those who missed sarcasm class, no it isn’t. Do not buy a deodorant based on which TV show it gives money too. Please. No Seriously, please.