I feel like I have turned a corner or flipped some internal switch this week. Maybe it is a result of certain things being checked off the to do list, or other things slowly being resolved, but perhaps it is at least in part due to this blog and all my dedicated effort to change my life and live intentionally. Whatever the cause, whatever the reason, I feel like I can feel “it” working, like effervescent bubbles . My mind has calmed down, my worries have lightened, and my twitchy, manic, crazy eye has lessened. I haven’t lost my cool with my boys, kids or dogs. I’ve made new projects and felt inspired. In short, I just feel good.
Feeling good has given me perspective on my journey and where I am in life. A perspective I wasn’t capable of two months ago. Life is not perfect, but it doesn’t have to be. And if I am at all honest with myself, I’m not sure what perfect would be anyway. It is funny that no matter how far you get in life, what you achieve, what you obtain, or who stands with you, it never feels like you are done or that everything is perfect. Even people with loads of money still feel lost or are searching for a better way to live (i.e. Oprah). But I think what is important to remember is what you do have, what you managed to bring into the world and the lives of those around you, what you created that has been part of all your goals or dreams. You know the simple ones you had as a kid or a wide eyed high school graduate when you thought anything was possible.
When I was younger my dreams were not all that big and my goals were fairly simple. I wanted to fall in love with an amazing man I could share my life with and have children with. Someone who wanted to be a father and husband, and would be funny and silly. I didn’t have a father growing up and my mother seemed adrift without a partner. I always felt she would be happier if she wasn’t so alone. So to a little girl without a man in her life, a man seemed like a pretty big dream or goal.
I also wanted to have two little boys. I grew up with two sisters, so I was pretty sure I didn’t want that drama around and I wasn’t a girly girl anyway. Boys seemed like more fun and easier. I pictured myself with two little boys playing outside in bare feet all muddy surrounded by a bunch of dogs.
And the last thing this little girl Wendy dreamed about was having horses. I wanted to own horses on my property so I could ride them everyday. I had dreams about their big heads sticking in my kitchen window for apples and riding them during sunsets and on freshly fallen snow when the only sound to be heard are their hooves crunching through the crusty blanket. I could envision their warm breath visible in the cold air, my cheeks pink from the frost. I wanted horses. I wanted them in my yard.
When I was young I didn’t think I wanted loads of money, sure I knew money was important but I didn’t have dreams of being ridiculously rich, just not having to worry about money would be enough. As a family we struggled with money growing up and all I cared about was that I didn’t have to struggle, not that I had lots of extra, ah the innocence of youth. When I was young I also didn’t dream about big houses, cars, boats, or other expensive toys. I didn’t think about exotic vacations or giant closets full of shoes. I just wanted to be happy surrounded by living things that made me feel good. Husband, kids, dogs, and horses.
Its funny how as a child I had a much better perspective about life than I ever did as an adult. My shift this week probably came after the realization that I had attained all my little girl goals- okay minus the I want to own my own lion secret dream.
I do have an amazing husband; and while lots of people don’t “get” us, or they think he is a bit odd, he truly is my partner in life and the most amazing husband and daddy I could ever ask for for me and my boys. He is silly and fair, honest and good. I could spend all day looking at his face. I get butterflies when I think about him, and I miss him when he goes away. He is, in a word, awesome. We don’t fight, we don’t carry baggage of our past, and we are the only couple I know who really seem to get each other. If I could wish for one thing for people I love, it would be to find a partner in life that they feel as good about as I feel about my husband.
Children. I have two little boys, just like I envisioned. Two amazing little men that I can’t stop staring at in wonder that I made them and they are mine. Despite my little one’s recent medical issues and his rocky road of life, I wouldn’t change a thing about my boys. They bring so much to my life. It has been 3 weeks of no doctor visits for the little toe head; the reprieve has been such a relief to my heart and mind, not to mention my pocket book. Just looking at his little face and knowing he is on the mend is worth more to me than any boat or motorcycle ever could be. They are often bare footed and often covered in mud, and I wouldn’t have them any other way.
Dogs. Man do we have dogs. If they weren’t all neutered boy dogs I’d swear they were out there multiplying. We have 5 big beautiful boys who love my children, listen most of the time, and keep my critter population under control. They patrol the yard, help build sand castles, alert us to snakes, and make me feel safe. They give kisses and loves when we need them, and smiles and laughter almost as if on cue. I can’t imagine a life not full of all my furry friends. So even though a dear friend remarked that coming to my house is like visiting the Bumpasses with all their redneck dogs, I don’t care. I wouldn’t be me without canines, and our lives wouldn’t have half as much happiness and love. Doubt me? Just a few weeks ago, I caught my oldest son wrapped around our oldest dog, a doberman, telling him he loved him and that “he was a good old puppy dog.” I love that my children will always know the love and humor of dogs.
Horses. Okay we don’t have horses. But we do have over 5 acres of crossed fenced property just waiting for a barn and horses to show up. I will have them, oh yes I will. When the boys are a little older, and a little wiser, it will happen. We live in a horse community where more of our neighbors have them then don’t. Where I can see at least 5 horses just by looking out my front door. The properties are arranged with horse riding easements between lots and there is plenty of prairie and room to roam all around us.
So something in me shifted and moved and I was finally able to see all the dreams I had had actually come true. While I was busy making other plans and worrying about the future, my now was actually the very picture of what I had always said I wanted. The only thing missing from it was me. In all my worrying and anxiety about money, medical, family, health, the FUTURE, I had taken myself out of the life I worked so hard to get. I couldn’t enjoy my now or what I already had because I hadn’t figured out the then of tomorrow. But every day this week, seriously everyday, I have felt so calm, so here, so now. I have really felt at ease and peaceful.
I’m not saying the journey is over, or that I am done. I suspect I will continue to move around in this new skin of comfort and I will ebb and flow between contentment and rip tides. I am sure there is another shoe out there just waiting to drop on me, I am sure there are still people who will create unnecessary drama for me, I am sure my “bad luck” hasn’t come to end. But I am equally sure that I have everything I need to create happiness and success. I have all I need to feel peaceful and Zen like. I have all the tools in my tool box to create the life I intentionally want. Sure maybe the main tool is just the ability to add more tools to my arsenal, but I’ll take it and run.
So call it gratitude for what I have, realization that I have met my core goals of life, or just a sense of accomplishment after 9 weeks of “searching for Zen” in every corner of the world/internet/music/movies/books/and people. I feel today, as I have all week, whole, complete, present, and at peace. And I’m here to tell you, in case you are still searching yourself, that it is possible, it is out there, it can happen, and it feels pretty damn good.
Favorite Now moment of the week: You can set up a swimming pool in September, and if you do, little boys will play in it. Sometimes with all their clothes on. What I’m listening to: Please me Like You Want to by Ben Harper with Jack Johnson, this man has a beautiful soulful voice and lips you just want to kiss… or maybe that is just me…
What I’m reading: Izzy and Lenore By Jon Katz. I find it so ironic that a man whose name is Kats, writes so many books about dogs. I love dogs, and apparently so does Jon.
Inspirations from the Ether: Super cool climbing idea for the boys, but I think I’ll make mine a pirate ship Potential pictures to come later?
Bonus Video: Thinking of my childhood and believing anything could happen