How to Blow Your Nose in a Public Steam Room and Other Riculously Useful Life Tips No One is Talking About….

There are hundreds, literally thousands of how to sites, blog, articles, and books that tell you how to do everything from baking a pie to changing a car battery. This is not one of those sites, this is not one of those articles. These are real tips for real problems many of us have but no one is talking about. Enjoy!

How to blow your nose in a public steam room

Blowing your nose is usually no big deal, an event that you do for the most part without thinking about it. However, in the quiet echo atmosphere of a steam room surrounded by half naked people without a tissue in sight,  it can be difficult and socially awkward to execute. Well, no more! Not for you. First things first. Always take a small towel into the steam room with you. It is not acceptable to blow your nose into your hand or any article of clothing or towel you are wearing. If it covers any part of your body that your swimsuit covers, don’t you dare blow your nose on it. Second, you cannot blow your nose when the steam is not actively running. If you don’t hear steam or an air compressor, but instead you hear your own breathing and that other lady’s stomach, you should not blow your nose. Period. Third, you must wait until the room is filled with steam and no one can see you. I mean filled with steam like “someone can come in and sit on you and not know it filled with steam” (see: Zen and the Art of Friends, this is a friends relatable moment when Chandler accidentally sits on Monica’s Dad’s lap in the steam room). So to sum up, bring a towel- don’t bother with tissue it will be too wet to use. Wait for the steam to “kick on”. Then blow your nose once the room is full of steam. You only have a small window of opportunity here, so be sure to grab it. The seam will shut off shortly after the room reaches the right density level for blowing so don’t hesitate, be ready and blow away. No one will ever know what’s happened.

What to do if you simply must pee in the shower

We’ve all been there so you can stop balking at the title of this one. You can pretend this has never happened to you, but trust me, no one believes you, so you just look like a fool trying to deny it. So what should you do if you must pee in the shower? Well, it depends. If you are at home in the comfort of your own shower, do nothing. That’s right nothing. Who cares? I mean really. It mostly gets washed down the drain anyway and any germs in it are already yours. The only exception to this rule is for those people who multi task and brush their teeth in the shower. Always, always pick up the toothbrush and hold it high before urinating. Seriously, you do not want to wonder if urine drops got on your tooth brush, you want to KNOW they didn’t. Now, if you are at the gym, it is a whole other story. If you simply must pee in the gym communal shower, also do nothing. Wait?!? What? That is right, do nothing. First, you are not the only one to pee in that shower. You probably aren’t even the first person today to pee in that shower. It is really just best to pretend it never happened and move about your day. This being said you should wear shower shoes in the shower, because you are not the only person who pees in there. Trust me.

How to eat a pint of ice cream without leaving evidence behind

This one is easy. First you remove the lid and throw it immediately in the trash, you don’t want evidence just lying around. Do not bother leaving it on the counter in case you don’t finish the pint. Who are you kidding? We all finish the pint; there has never in the history of the world been leftover ice cream in the pint size. In truth, I’m not sure why the nutrition facts state it is 4 servings when clearly it is only 1. Second, use a small spoon. You are going to be tempted into the big spoon, but this is wrong for two reasons. One, the small spoon lets you savor the taste for longer and two, it prevents any sloppy eating which will leave tell tale signs of ice cream debauchery on your face. It isn’t worth the risk, stick to the small spoon. Not too small, you don’t want to be aggravated, but it should fit nicely in your mouth without opening wide. Next, you want to wrap the pint in a dish cloth similar to hobos and their paper bag covered bottles of liquor. This is not only great for preventing hand freeze, but it helps to absorb and limit the amount of evidence you would otherwise drip on your hand or shirt. This step is non-negotiable if you are hoping to finish off the pint without trace evidence being left behind. Especially if you are a slow eater or your pint has a secret hole in the bottom you won’t know about until the ice cream gets soft and starts to drip. When the ice cream is gone you need to rinse the spoon in the sink, if you have a dishwasher stick it in there. Throw away the container and if you really want to cover your tracks immediately vacuum so you can empty the vacuum bin on top of the container. No one is sifting through or looking underneath vacuum trash to uncover your secret now. Last, put your towel in the dirty laundry bin. If your house is anything like mine, no one even touches that but me, so even if it is covered in evidence no one is going to see it.

Stay tuned for more useful life tips no one is talking about. Share the site with a friend you think might need them. Thanks.

Bonus tip: How to share ice cream fairly


 

 

3 thoughts on “How to Blow Your Nose in a Public Steam Room and Other Riculously Useful Life Tips No One is Talking About….

  1. Pingback: Getting Un-Stuck from Useless Patterns of Mass Destruction | Driving Under the Influence of Kids

  2. Pingback: Losing the Habit | Driving Under the Influence of Kids

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