Crossroads and Time Machines

I say all the time that you can’t go back. There is no good living in the past and wondering what if or wishing things were still the same. Frankly, in my life, I am glad I do not live back there in those moments. Sure I had some great one, but overall I am glad to be in this moment, with this man and this family. So I don’t struggle much with looking back and wondering what if. This past week however I have been hit with strange emotion evoking things from my past, and what I learned was sometimes you need to get that “good old days feeling” when you are facing a crossroads in life.

Sometimes that feeling of invincibility or strength we all seem to have in our 20s might just be useful in our later years if we could only figure out how to harness its power. If I could go back in time, if I had a DeLorean and 1.21 gigawatts of power, I wouldn’t go  back to change anything, I would go back to harness and capture the energy and belief in everything being possible that only a 22  year old Wendy could feel. Okay, maybe 17-25 maybe those years held the strongest belief in myself and life. Those years I welcomed the crossroads, even created many, because I truly believed with enough motivation and strength I could do anything.

Of course I’ve learned that’s all a giant lie. No offense to you still living in wonderland thinking it can all come true (I hope it does for you), but not everything is possible. I made a lot come true in my life. I’ve had a lot of goals and I’ve made many of them happen. I’m not saying things aren’t possible, I’m just saying not all things are possible. In the end though, what I want to get from that me from yesterday is not her flawed but delightful thinking, it is her “can do” spirit and the ability for just the right movie to make me think, yep, I can do this, it is all going to be alright. The world is my oyster, so to speak.  That girl could get so charged up by a movie or a song that she really did do some amazing things with the inspiration.

I am now at a new crossroads. Not one I created, but one just happening to me. I find these to be the worst kind. It isn’t like I have a plan or even wanted to make a deal with a crossroads demon so to be standing at an unexpected crossroads is daunting and exhausting. In the beginning of this I thought “Crap, not one more thing”, then I caught a glimpse of While you were sleeping on TV and I was instantly transported back to my sophomore year in college to a dingy Durango theater all alone. It wasn’t the movie so much as just that moment in my life. I can remember my thoughts and feelings as I watched the movie. My life is just beginning, I can do anything. Maybe I felt this way because the lead character in the film did not, I’m not sure. So while my life is no longer just beginning I felt that same sense of inspiration when I saw the movie again. Like my brain knew I needed to draw upon the Wendy of yore and use her emotions as a catalyst to get past the crossroads and on my way in life. I am both grateful and envious of Wendy watching this movie for the first time, 20 years old, not knowing what lay ahead and not being afraid either. She was pretty cool.

So here I am at my crossroads. Now I am thinking, is this the opportunity to make more money, find a job a love, commit to old projects? Perhaps. I don’t know. I haven’t figured it out yet. But what I do know is drawing on the power of who I used to be and allowing myself an indulgent day of “reliving’ my past through movies and music, I might just find an answer, or at least be better prepared for the bumpy road ahead. I am excited and terrified. Intrigued and exhausted. It’s funny, I really do wish I had a time machine, not because I would change anything, but just so I could get that feeling of endless possibilities anytime I wanted. I guess moves, music and food will just have to suffice until I figure out that flux capacitor and butterfly effect.

This week I am trying something new. I recommend you all do the same. When my kids go to bed, instead of zoning out in front of the tv with my husband while we both obsessively check our smart phones. We are turning it all off for at least an hour and playing cards. We are sitting close, looking into each others eyes, playing cards, laughing, talking, thinking. We just started yesterday, and I won’t lie, so far it’s awesome. Before kids and smart phones we played games all the time. Now I remember why we loved that. My goal this week is to do this everyday. I miss him.

What I am reading: Six Years by Harlan Coben, it isn’t my usual fair, but it was on sale, so score!

What I am listening to: The A Team by Ed Sheeran

Inspirations from the ether: I’m super smitten with John Green right now and I can’t believe I never stumbled across his awesomeness before. Seriously, I can’t get enough of him. Lucky for me he has a blog, a tumblr (which I still don’t really understand what that is), a youtube channel where he and his brother Hank (Hank isn’t so bad either :))exchange interesting videos read to each other but are really for everyone, and several books. I figure it isn’t really stalking if you are happily married and too tired from raising toddlers that you can’t even figure out where he gets his coffee much less his real street address. If you haven’t heard of him, you should check him out. I am more in awe everyday. Genius, entertaining, funny, smart and witty. Besides anyone who makes up a word like “dooblydoo” (and it is very fitting)  is aces in my book.

Hank:I love a good rant.


Now moment of the week: Having my husband teach me how to play rummy, and more or less kicking his ass, but we weren’t keeping score because I was still learning. Poor Jay. :)

 

Gratitude 365 Journal

This is my ongoing project for 2014. A 365 days of gratitude journal. I’d love for there to be a photo of everything I am grateful for, but some things aren’t meant to be spoiled with stopping to take a picture, and for other things it’s just not possible. My goal is to notice what I am grateful for as it is happening, as opposed to trying to remember something at the end of the day. Presence.

Jan6- My oldest stroking my hair as I comfort him back to sleep, telling me “Mommy, I love you so much. I am going to keep you forever.” And me wondering who is really comforting whom?comfort

Jan7- For technology that lets my mother watch Big Bang Theory all the time and her face lighting up when I show her how.

Jan8- A husband who understands that if I stumble off to our room at 7pm it isn’t because I’m lazy, its because I hit a wall and I can’t go on.

Jan9- My boys will always know the love of dogs, and never be afraid, even of big bad Dobermans.dog love

Jan10- Little men singing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” better than any song on the radio, even if I am told not to sing along. photo 2 (3) Jan11-Chocolate Milk for no reason at all except my mother thought it would make me smile. She was right. photo 1

Jan12-Involved dads that break every stereotype and make other parents feel bad for judging him. Seriously, the only dad in basketball class. The only dad. photo 3

Jan13-The desire of a 4 year old to help fix dinosaur boo boos and my patience to let him do it.photo 4

 

It’s Over, We Are Breaking Up

Relationships can be great, they can fill you with immense joy and make you feel special. But they can also have a darker side. They can inhibit your life, make you feel tired and less than your best. We have all faced these moments of reality when we realize we have outgrown a relationship or our relationship is actually hurting us. It isn’t a good place to be, the task before you not one you want to do. No one likes to be the bad guy, even if it isn’t your fault, pulling the trigger on a breakup can be hard. I’ve put it off for a long time now. I’ve been deeply seated in denial, looking the other way at all the negatives. But I can’t do that any longer. It’s time for this negative relationship to end. And while I will miss the connection and the fuzzy feelings I used to get, I know in my heart I will be happier, healthier and better prepared to face my life if I just get brave and say good-bye. It isn’t going to be easy, we’ve been together a long time, and there are others to think about, but I know in my heart it is time, it is right. I talk a lot about intentional living and making the choices for your own happiness. This is mine, my choice. So here goes. Let’s start with the ULTIMATE Break up song, just to set the tone.

Here is my goodbye letter, my dear John if you will, the real truth behind a relationship that no one saw behind closed doors.

My Love,

We need to talk. You should probably sit down. This isn’t going to be easy for either of us.  I have had so many wonderful nights with you that make what I am about to say so difficult. Every time we curled up together the world was so right, nothing mattered but us. I felt like I could conquer anything with you beside me. I felt like if I just held you close the rest of the world would drop away and all my troubles with it. I remember pulling you close, little by little relishing in your smell, your taste. I get chills just thinking about our time together. And that is why you have to believe me when I say, it isn’t you, it’s me.

I know, I know, who hasn’t heard this a million times before. Someone tells us it is all them, just to spare us our feelings. But today, at this moment in time, I know it is me and not you. I know I am not ready for the kind of relationship you want. I am not ready to settle down and remain still the way you would like. I am not ready for the public embarrassment or the hiding the private life we have together. Maybe I’m just to “out there”, maybe I just don’t understand commitment. Maybe I just don’t like how bad I feel the next morning after a night alone with you. Being with you, makes me feel bad.

It isn’t your fault, no really. You are exactly what you were supposed to be. Beautiful , enticing, exquisitely tasteful, smooth, decadent, luscious even. I don’t think I have ever had better. Really. I don’t just say that to cushion the blow. You are it. You are the top, crème of the crop. There is nothing out there that can compare to you. Listen to me when I say this, I am not leaving you for another, there is no other, I get that now. But I still can’t be with you. I still can’t give in to all those urges no matter how much I want to or how much my heart begs me.

I know you will find someone else. Being as awesome as you, you will pick up and move on, probably not even feeling the loss of me. That is what it feels like to be at the top I guess. I will move on too. I will struggle at first no doubt. I will feel let down every night when you are not there. I will feel empty and alone, forgotten and abandoned. I will look for you hopefully, maybe even stop into a store just to see if you are there; but I will not weaken, I will stick it out, because what is right for me, what is best for me, is to say goodbye to you. No matter how much I love you, no matter how sweet you have been. no matter how much I am wholly convinced you are my soul mate and I will never meet another like you, I also know I just can’t live this lie anymore.

Go forth dear one, go forth and prosper. Make a name for yourself, find a new love, someone new to coerce, to brainwash into not seeing our dark side, your negative attributes, because that is no longer me. I plan to go forth, fill that void with something healthy, fill that void with something that makes me feel and look good. That’s right, I am predicting the future. I think I owe it to myself, I owe it to my family. I will get stronger. I will leave you behind and one day I will rejoice in the fact that I no longer even think about you. I will no longer say your name in my sleep, I will no longer see you in my head when I feel stressed. I will no longer long for you at night, our secret time. Just you wait, I bet you won’t even recognize the woman I am about to become, without, YOU.

So my very Dearest Ben and my true companion Jerry, just know that this isn’t about you, not really. You are the tits at making ice cream. I will never forget how Chocolate Fudge Brownie made me feel in my soul. But I would like to forget how it made me look around the middle. It isn’t personal, except for me. If I am going to reach my goal and feel good, we just have to part ways. There isn’t room for a nightly binge of a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in the life I am creating. There is no room for your worthless wasted 1500 calories I consume during our tryst because as we all know, a pint in a serving size, no matter what the carton says.

I’ll miss you B&J, I will. But I can’t take this anymore. It’s over. I’m done.

Love with all my heart,

Wendy

 

PS I hope you find what you are looking for Chocolate Fudge Brownie, I know I will.

But here is Inspiration, just in case I get weak. Surviving break up songs.