Wholly cow!

It is week 13 of this journey, and I am on vacation. Not a real vacation, I’m still sitting in my house, but I’m not logging into work and I’m doing whatever I darn well please- that my toddlers will allow that is.  I can’t believe this is week 13, really, even just sticking with this blog and sticking to my goal for 13 weeks is amazing to me given all the things I start and never come back to. 13 weeks of dedicated truth finding, fun finding, bliss finding, Zen finding, peace work. I am a work in progress, and if you don’t count my first 38 years of life-which of course I do but not for this- then I have been acting for 13 weeks toward one single goal. Happiness. True unadulterated happiness. Not, gee things in my life are pretty good. Not wow I love my husband and I still think about kissing him when he gets home kind of happy; but pure blissed out, just doing what I do and I have a sense of peace and happiness while I’m doing it.

Let me explain. What I am searching for, what this blog and this 13 week journey has been about is finding the secret to overall happiness. Finding that balance between what life demands we do and what we want to do or feel compelled to do. I want my life to be lived intentionally. I do not want to be a slave to what the world think I should be doing or who others think I should be. I want to live my life exactly as I see fit, and be exactly who I want to be. With no apologies, no regrets. I want to choose happiness, the kind of happiness that is all pervasive and seeps so far into ever crevice of life that I can’t get away from it, and no matter how many terrible things happen, or shoes drop I am still whole and satisfied and strong as I keeping pressing forward propelled by the knowledge that I am happy, I am good.

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In the past 13 weeks I have been working on myself and my life. I have been researching happiness and peace in corners near and far, resources obvious and hidden. I have found value in the small minutia of life and insight from the grand and spectacular. I have even gained insight and knowledge into my intentional life from the sorrow of life and our culture, our politics, and country’s struggle.  It has felt good to discover that I am not alone. From the blogs of others I have haunted, to the wonderful readers who haunt me here, I have discovered that my quest for more is more common than I suspected, my efforts to find truth and blissfulness not a solitary effort. I have discovered there is strength in numbers and the moment I put myself out there, all my fears and trials, I was welcomed with open arms by a community of people who could relate, who could champion me on, who maybe, finally felt motivated to find their own intentional life and start making their own tough choices.

The goals of the last 13 weeks have varied from a series of letting go efforts- which to be honest were more difficult than I imagined and I had imagined them being near impossible- to identifying what I liked about me, what identifiers I want to work toward and how to truly just feel the moment of now instead of being terrified of the moment next. I have had great successes and I have had crying jags- thank you Children’s Hospital (you bastards). I have found a peace with my children, had tough and long over due confrontations with my husband- which I never do- and made hard decisions for our financial future that seem to have cost us family members we will miss. This journey has been hard, but I will tell you a secret, it has been SO worth it. I feel like I am finally on the road to living intentionally, that I am finally finding a balance between taking care of myself and taking care of others, that I am finally finding the ability to confront when necessary and let go of the things I cannot change. It has been a great ride, an eye-opening journey and I am just getting started. I hope you will continue to take this ride with me. I hope you will share it with friends or family who might be feeling the same kind of stuck, the same kind of always being a passenger of life and never the driver.

So on week 13, because I am lucky enough to avoid work for the whole week, my goal is to do whatever I want, even if that whatever is a whole lot of nothing. I will not make apologies for my actions. I will not be sorry I have taken this time for me and mine. I will laugh much, feed my soul, nourish my spirit and with any luck come back next week with renewed purpose and energy to put toward the next 13 weeks. Thanks for taking this ride with me. I’m honored and excited that you are here. You rock!

What I am reading: Promises to Keep by Jane Green. It makes me wish I had the kind of family that would be by my side in a crisis.

What else I am reading: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, I’ve highlighted so much in this book I might as well just paint the thing yellow.

What I am listening to: By suggestion from Kerry- and I am so glad she did. I want to make out with this man’s voice. No seriously, I want to do things to his voice that I can’t talk about in public. Hey its okay by Antonio Lulic. Yummy.

Favorite Now Moment: My youngest son’s 2nd birthday. Watching a little boy run,  jump, laugh, and giggle without a care in the world. Finally acting well, finally appearing healed. My heart aches when I think of how far he has come. We have finally gone a whole three weeks without 1 single doctor appointment.  You go little man!

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Inspirations from the ether: 23 things every woman should stop doing, I bet you are doing at least 1. And I bet you’ll be happier if you stop.