How to have a perfect marriage- and possibly get laid more

Not long ago I gave my husband the world’s best piece of advice a wife has ever given her husband, or a woman has ever given a man for that matter. I’m not sure my husband instantly recognized my genius, but I am here to tell you that if every man followed this one simple rule every woman would shut up, no kidding we would shut the heck up. And I haven’t even begun to stroke my own ego yet.

My husband has done a pretty good job at following this one piece of advice. So if you live with a man, have babies with that man, or just want to like your partner better, this is what you need to tell them. I suggest you use a nice even tone of voice to avoid the instant brain shut off that happens when someone is being yelled at. Remember, you aren’t telling him what to do, you aren’t mad, you are merely making a suggestion that will improve his life in endless ways. Tell him it will lead to more sex. Tell him it will lead to more golfing. Tell him it will lead to his eventual blissful happiness with you because you will no longer have to nag him or tell him how unappreciated you are.

Seriously, and it is all so simple. You can thank me now, or you can thank me later. Up to you. Here it is:

Men listen up, this is all you ever need to know-

If your woman is up and moving around doing things… then you should be up and doing things not watching TV. If you don’t know what you should be doing, then ask her “Honey, what can I do to help?” If you are afraid to ask how you can help because this will lead to the inevitable result of her explaining at length that you should KNOW what you should be doing, then fake it and just do anything. Just stand up and move around, even if it is aimless. Seriously, if you are doing something, your woman will think you are busy like her (trust me she is too busy to notice that you aren’t really doing anything useful). If you are doing something even remotely productive, she will at least think you are trying. And no one ever got in trouble for trying. If you can’t find anything to do, not one single thing comes in to your mind that might need doing or would in any way be beneficial or at least have the appearance of being beneficial (walking in circles is not a good idea) then do this:

  1. Grab a pen and paper.
  2. Follow the woman around the house as she multitasks and gets everything done in record time.
  3. Write down what she is doing. All of it. If she stops to pick her butt, write it down, it may be important.
  4. Once your woman finally sits down for the night, review the list with yourself.
  5. Be amazed. No really, be amazed. That just happened.
  6. Identify at least 1/3 of the things on the list that you could get done correctly without causing yourself pain or causing your woman more work.
  7. Stick the list to the fridge.
  8. The next night review the list BEFORE your woman starts doing everything (if you can’t identify this moment then you are already too late, get busy man!) and do the items on the list you identified as things you can do.
  9. When she sits down, thank her for all the things she does all day. Tell her you don’t know how she does it.
  10. Do not expect thanks in return. Seriously, its been one night. You are not a rock star. You are not even a roadie. You aren’t even the slutty girl who throws her panties on stage to get laid. Thanks will come later. Maybe way later. Be patient.
  11. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

In the end, if you can’t manage the list, just look busy, for all that is good and holy in this universe, if your woman looks busy, you better look busy too. If you do that, you will have a blissful fabulous marriage. Seriously, I promise. Just look busy.