Week 4… wow, it is amazing what you can or can not accomplish in 4 weeks. Hm, this week has more or less been a FAIL for me, but lets see what I wanted to focus on for making my life better this week- right after I sum up the last 3 weeks.
Week 1- Identify what you are already proud of, do well, or consider awesome about yourself. Check!
Week 2- Create a list of what you WANT your intentional identifiers to be that aren’t included in week 1 list. Check!
Week 3- Identify your real friends, use them as champions and cull the rest- nicely of course Check!
Week 4- Take action!
This is the week when I had planned to really take action on my personal identifiers and making them a reality. So far I have epically failed. Which while I don’t want to dwell on it, I feel it is important to be just as honest about failures as I am successes, and that often there is more to learn from the failures.
It is only Wednesday, but my initiative to take action on bringing my intentional life to fruition is already gone awry. I will say I have successfully continued this blog for almost a full month, and that certainly qualifies as “being a writer” and “one day getting paid for it”. I have to start somewhere. I can also tell you I had an agent from the publishing world request the first three chapters of a book I queried her about over a month ago; so this was a pleasant surprise and I am giddy that someone found my urban fantasy manuscript story concept interesting enough to read and that perhaps writing 97000 words wasn’t a huge waste of time. Even if nothing comes of this, it is nice to know I am making headway on one of my most important identifiers; being a writer is part of who I am, and I really would love to get paid to do it.
The rest of my goals and identifiers have left me feeling my age in more ways than one. I’m stressed, exhausted, frustrated, and as my three year old son so eloquently put it this morning I’m “not being as nice as I should be”. By the way, there is nothing more humbling and instantly upsetting as having a toddler point out that you really should be nicer. Unless of course, it is a toddler pointing out that you should be nicer and he is not only right but he is showing amazing restraint by not hitting you when you deserve it.
Essentially, I have been set back this week by allowing others to sabotage my bold strides forward. And while I can certainly blame other people for their contribution, it really is my fault and mine alone. I believe we all make the choice of how we will let others impact us. It is a hard skill to master, but in the end we can choose our response, and therefore the impact on us of other people’s actions.
So family failing to show support to our sick son and instead kicking us when we were down should have elicited a “so what, completely not surprised by this” and instead I find myself ruminating on why people can’t just be nicer and family can’t just step up and do the right thing. So I have allowed the actions of others to impact my overall mood and my actions, when really their actions are typical, not a surprise, and certainly not worth my time to try to fix, help, or even continue to think about. Why I still feel the need to replay what I’d like to say to them in my head is still a mystery, but it is something I should be able to stop. It isn’t worth my time and certainly they fall under the category of Friendly Saboteur if ever someone did. But I have failed in that I can’t let it go and I still feel the need to defend myself and my family. Maybe that is the mama bear in me coming out, but you hurt my family, I’m all done playing Mrs. Nice, if you know what I mean.
The other fails this week include:
Being upset that those I care about don’t see how they are mistreated; that they think my extra thoughtfulness and care is on par with another person’s controlling nature or disregard for their feelings. This shouldn’t matter to me, that is their life, they will see what they like and feel what they like regardless of reality. I need to let go. I am good to them and I should be able to sleep well at night with that being the end of the story.
Being too controlling. I really want to let go of my controlling nature (it is on my list of identifiers to be more go with the flow) and ironically I wrote an entire post about it for the blog and it was “lost” into the ether of the internet apparently never to be seen again. Talk about smacking a control freak in the face, nothing like losing 2 hours worth of work to bring a control freak to the boiling point or the obvious conclusion that I need to let go. Stop controlling, just take control and stop it! But seriously, I will write more on this later because control freak hasn’t always been part of who I am and I am eager to explore how it became so, so that I can get rid of it.
I’ve been disconnected from my kids. In my efforts to set our finances in order, get in a regular workout, cook a gluten free dinner, work my 9-5 job, make it on time to all the doctor appointments, and deal with finding housing for my mother/child care provider, I have been disconnected from my boys, and it shows in my patience level and their neediness. Yesterday, I was finally able to play with them outside and no matter how silly the game of roll a tennis ball through the downspout they disconnected from the house might be, I was able to at least stay present in the moment and pretend it was the best time ever. Because honestly to two little boys covered in mud, it was the best time ever.
The world’s dirtiest bathrooms. I am considering calling the Discovery channel and having that guy from Dirty Jobs come to my house to clean my toilets. I wonder if they have ever gotten that letter in the mail. I recently realized that in the 6 years I have known and lived with my better half, he hasn’t once cleaned the bathroom. So while I think the real secret to any good marriage is that both partners have the same tolerance for dirtiness (however great or small that may be) I also think it is important if the man of the house gets up close and personal with his throne so he can at least appreciate his wife’s amazing ability to hold back vomit while cleaning. Men are dirty. They should clean their own bathrooms, so on that note I have been staging a protest and I am very concerned that I will fail at it and give in and clean the darn thing. So yeah, the state of my bathroom is a fail even if I am playing it off as an attempt at being less controlling and thereby still attaining one of my identifiers. Oh what a tangled web I weave….
So those are my failures, and a few successes thrown in for good measure, because there is always something to be proud of and something that went right. This week those happen to be fewer than the fails, but I am at least taking action toward my intentional identity and I suppose there will be pitfalls along the way.
If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.
What will you do this week to take action on your intentional identity? Pick one; remember we believe in baby steps around here. Pick one identifier, one thing you want to be true about yourself, that you want to brag about at parties and reunions. Pick the one thing, then take action! Do one thing to make it happen! Want to lose weight? Try diet instead of regular soda. Want to get control of your finances? Take a good hard look at where your money is going. Want to be a sculptor? Join a group of like minded people or take a class. Just take action. At least one thing this week. Or heck, go hog wild do more, just DO something.
High points: Reading books with boys, credit counseling completed, paperwork in order, promotion for my hubby, better blood work for the baby, agent interested in my book, finding a gluten free Rotisserie chicken (thanks Dink) for emergency last minute meals for Celiac kids. I’ll take it, and its only Wednesday!